I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
