piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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