I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
