the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
