I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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