so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
