There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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