Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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