So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
