I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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