His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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