You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
