did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
