I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
