No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
