the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
