omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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