I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
We are all done wearing pants today
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
