Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
