Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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