I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
