wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
