I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Congratulations! We have a period
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
