I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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