saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Two words: blizzard sex
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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