K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
