She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
