I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
