while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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