I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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