Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
