then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Is Oprah even human
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
