The maid of honor just puked.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
