I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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