I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
