oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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