morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
