why didn't you poke me back
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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