afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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