You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
