I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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