How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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