He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
