i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
