I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
