I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
