This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
