He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
