GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
