He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
