My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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