thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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